Anivide Travels

So if anyone has seen my small Twitter rant, as promised, I shall give some reference to those who have yet to know.

It's currently 1:45 AM from where I am currently and my eyeballs are starting to sting. But I feel like I need to post this or else I'll never get to it, you know?

Lets see... I guess I should start from the beginning.

Three years ago, to this day, I joined an anime site called Anivide. It was mainly to keep track of what animes I was watching at the time, which ones I had finished, and which ones I had planned on watching in the future. Plus, I thought it was fun designing my profile page with my favorite music and anime wallpapers.

In the first year, I had added a lot of people as friends. I rarely talked to any of them and I didn't want to be mean. That was my mindset at the time. If I remember correctly, I think I only talked to a total of 5 or so people regularly(ish). And we'd normally just talk about different anime and games, funny stories and stuff like that. They never lasted long and I was fine with that. But I was young then. And I enjoyed talking to people with similar interests like mine. Of course at the time I thought I knew what I was doing and could handle anything thrown at me.

It wasn't anything terrible or disasterously horrid, but it did teach me a good lesson. I had joined the site in July. Between that time and September, I think, this one person started to talk to me after they replied to my banner message (both were cheesy in a way). I'll refer to them as S here on. S was 3 years older than me. My banner had said "I will use my sword to cut my destiny and finish my story".

Bleh, I know.

Then S had commented "Then use me as your sword to cut the road to ribbons."

BLEH.

At first I didn't know what S was talking about, because I had that banner up for a very long time and didn't notice what they meant until I thought about it for a few minutes. I was easily swooned by certain things but tried to keep a clear mindset. This person definitely had been the player type, it was so obvious whenever we talked. But I eventually fell for S. S said that they liked me too, but in a very cheesy way. MY confession wasn't that half-baked. I still remember how it went-
     "I..... I think I've fallen for you..."
     "And I for you as well."
     "......... (er.... extremely wierd and cheesy, but yay!)"

Ugh.

Makes me a bit sick just thinking about it.

So soon after that, S private messaged me their cell. I had told them that I was still "iffy" about the whole thing, mainly because it was my first real relationship (I mean there was one long ago in elementary school, but come on, that obviously doesn't count.). Of course, it was LONG DISTANCE. I wouldn't have done it if S was in the same area as I was. I would have been too scared. But since S lived quite a ways away, I thought "This should be okay. I can handle this. I can't let my parents know."

So I was given the grand duty of calling S first, which gave me a heart attack the first try because S's mother had their phone at the time since her's was dead. She had answered. My whole body was shaking from being so nervous, and even more so when she asked "May I ask who's calling?" when I mananged to get out a "Hi... Is S there...?". My mind was in a jumble and I hung up after saying "..... Sorry! I must have the wrong number!" Pu-retty dumb thing to say after asking for the person in question when the answerer knows them then saying that you have the "wrong number".

I didn't call again for a while after that.

The next night, S had actually called ME but my battery died and they left a short voicemail saying a quick "Hi" and my Username on Anivide. I remember that half second message made me so happy since it was the very first time I heard their voice. The NEXT night after that, I messaged S telling them to have their phone on them since I was going to attempt to call them again. This time, they really did answer. It was an awkward first conversation, of course. But I was just so excited. I was finally in a relationship. After that, S would call every night and we would talk for at least 3 or 4 hours. I thought I was in heaven. I had a mini-heart attack everytime my phone rang and their name showed up. We'd always call each other by our Usernames though. Sometimes we'd call each other by our real names but it never lasted long.

But within a very short amount of time (it felt really long to me at the time) I began realizing some things. Important things I should have taken into account before all that happened.
I should have gotten to know S much more thoroughly. I should have seen that this wasn't going to go anywhere. I should have said that I didn't appreciate the inconsiderate things S said at times.

I should never have done this.

I should have known better.

I should have done a lot of things.


Then...
My parents wanted to talk to me for a moment one night, after I had told S I would call back in a few minutes to think about some things. My heart was beating so loud, I had to concentrate on listening. They had said that I had gone over my minutes because I was talking so much with someone out of state. I was terrified that they had found out. Predicting this or something worse would happen, I had planned earlier to say that the person I was talking to was a friend from school who had moved away and we would talk a lot.

They took it.

They said that I needed to watch out for how many minutes I used so that I wouldn't go over again and that was that.



I made my decision.



I called S back.



I said "I can't do this anymore. I... don't think I'm ready for a relationship yet."
S said "I see. (Sigh)"
"... And.... promise you'll delete my number?"
"Yeah... Well.... Bye."
"...Bye."


I deleted S's number right after. I never told S that it was because they said things I really didn't like (nothing sexual, just morally offensive). And it really was because I wasn't ready for a relationship yet. I was still young. Something like saying "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend!" or "I'm in a relationship" really seemed luxurious. And I'm solidly positive any other young person thinks that.

Yes, a relationship does seem luxurious. But that doesn't mean you can just jump right into one and expect it to be all rainbows and unicorns. It requires devotion from both people, respect, and a mutual feeling for one another. Both need to build it up, not expect it to be total romance once they meet. I may be nothing but a "kid" but I at least know that much.

I wish I had known such things sooner. But nothing drastically bad happened thankfullly. It could have been worse. MUCH worse. You could say I got off scott free.
After all that, my mother would ask sometimes "Do you still talk to your friend?"
I'd reply ".... No. We got in a fight and I don't like them anymore."
"Oh. What happened?"
"Just stuff."

She doesn't ask anymore. A later incident made that happen, which didn't involve S but still caused me a lot of trouble because of my own stupidity.

Sorry, won't be sharing that story with you even if I die.


But what really got me to telling this story publicly (but not releasing too much accurate info) was that a certain comment was posted on my Anivide profile very recently. After the whole S incident, I had calmed down from the "relationship rage" and slowly but rather quickly stopped talking with people from that site. A few people comment on my page and if need be, I reply and leave. I only log in to my account to check for any comments, friend requests, or to change up my profile look. I never talk to any of the new "friends" and I only reply to comments if I have to.

Sorry, a bit off topic.

Carrying on-- There's this one person I'm "friends" with who talked to me a little a few months back. I'll refer to them as G. I didn't think a lot about it because I knew that long distance with someone you've met online and not face-to-face is relatively bad. They were flirting and I was slightly disgusted. More so, they were 22 years old and had a picture of themselves up on their profile.

Four words: OH MY GOD EW.

They looked like they were in their thirties or something. Overweight, male, unmanaged shoulder-length hair, and a sausage finger of a hand (what looked like the pinky) on the side of their mouth. The picture is gone now, of course. But it was just so... (shudders) I don't think I'll ever be able to get that image out of my head. What's worst, such a person was flirting with a lot of young girls. But it looks like not all the females on that site are total morons. None have fallen for G's moronic and cheesy gimmicks.

Anyways

G had recently commented on my profile recently saying "You still pop in and out I see."
I replied "Yes, as usual."
"You never gave me your cell number or something.... If you wanna."

(.....GOD. Seriously?)

"Not on your life."

G hasn't replied back and I hope they never do.

Had I still been the same as I was at the S accident, or had it been around that time... It would have been much worse. I mean, both S and I knew where the other lived (not EXACT location but the general area) and even doing that much was dangerous.

If I had a long distance with G instead of S.... I'm scared to even think about it.

But things are much different now. I've matured from that age but I still have a long ways to go. I know more of what I should and shouldn't be doing.

Perhaps putting all of this on a blog is something I shouldn't be doing. Right now, I don't even know. Maybe later in the future I'll remember this place again, read all the "personal" stuff I put on here, and delete all of it, thinking "How stupid was I? Why in the world would I post such personal stuff in the first place?"

Heh.

As of this moment, I can only have the desire to share my experience as a public "diary", if you would, so that maybe someone would read them one day and understand that there are some things that you just don't understand until you realize that trying to know everything and maturing all at once is impossible. Why do you think everyone always goes to an elderly person for advice? Regardless of their failing memory, they still remember even the most distant ones that matter the most to them. And them sharing their life-long experiences and knowledge is what helps our failing future see a chance that we might actually not mess up for once.

I know that my generation and the ones to follow are to fix the mistakes from the past. But our world will continue to inherit problems while leaving more behind as time progresses. I may be just a "kid", but I'm not so naive as to think that things will fix themselves and that everything will end peacefully.





Don't underestimate that which you have yet to know.





Current time 3:45AM
2 hours spent on this blog.